May 21, 2014

Nobody will ever know.....

I found myself in an old place the other day, and it scared me. 
I was tempted.
Very tempted.


I walked away this time, but it brought on memories and a realization of some of my food-relationship issues.

What was a simple run to Walgreens to pick up glue and construction paper for Kiddo's school project, turned into a sad realization of who I was and likely still am.  I, April, a busy mother of two who normally has at least one kid glued to my hip at all times, was alone for a brief moment in time. I had no witnesses, nobody to hold me back or judge me. Nobody to see, so it wouldn't count would it?

"Nobody can judge me for eating a chocolate candy bar if nobody saw me do it."


It was almost as if I was hypnotized by the situation, the solitude, but I awoke to find myself walking down the candy aisle of Walgreens.  I stopped and started to contemplate between a Payday and a KitKat.
Then it hit me.
And then...it happened.
Some college aged skinny minnie cashier overheard me say aloud.

"What am I doing??? I'm not even hungry!" 

Because the little voice inside my head toyed with me and was whispering old bad things in my head like 
'but you are alone!! you deserve a treat every once in a while'
'it is a rare thing, go on, nobody will know'
'just throw the trash out before you get home'
'you won't have to share with any kids'
'remember to chew gum afterwards so the chocolate or peanut butter smell won't be noticed'



I can look back and  say I never binged (except maybe on exercise.)
I can look back and can see months of anorexic-like behaviours.
I can look back and can say I never experimented with laxatives.

But I do look back and have to confess to quite possibly being
a 'closet eater'

and that habit?  hit me like a ton of bricks last week.

The justification, the situation, it was right there and I found myself in the mix of it all again.

If admission is the first step to recovery then here it is:

I, April, do not need to splurge or eat something simply because I am alone.
I, April, do not need to sneak around and have a sweet just because I can.
I, April, do not need to hide wrappers from myself.



6 comments:

  1. I just love this!!! It is so true--as moms, when we get that alone time, or even a treat we don't have to share with the kids, it's such a great feeling! Good for you for recognizing you weren't hungry and didn't need it!!! Kuddos!!!

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  2. I was/am the same way...i wont eat bad in front of people but I have a habit of cramming junk in my mouth and then getting rid of the evidence its so embarrassing!

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  3. Look at your willpower! Totally a step in the right direction!

    -Heather
    I do what I want.

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  4. What an awesome awakening moment!!! So glad you KNOW you didn't need it. Love you and your journey more than that!
    adifferentd.blogspot.com

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  5. This post was perfect. I've been there. So proud of you for talking about it and walking away. You're so strong!

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