Sep 17, 2014

Struggling....a confession

Confession:

I'm struggling really badly lately. 
I re-read my blog and see the pattern of excuses and falling off and jumping back 'on track' and focused but then life throws another curveball at me which is a great excuse again to jump off the track and wallow in chocolate comfort.

I took 'before' pictures again last night.  I didn't weigh myself, I didn't get the tape measure, none of that. Just a few pictures.  I'm not sure I can mentally handle any numbers right now.

So while I regroup myself and come up with a plan, I had to go scour my original journey notes, a private journal I kept for myself for so long.  In hopes of reminding myself why I need to keep moving and striving for more, I had to revisit the April of yester-years.  The "April 1.0" as I call her, because the life I have now and the image I am now is drilled into friends and families regularly that they forget as well.  A newer job, where they've only known of the "April 2.0"

Top Right: 2002 - Wedding day (that I so want to do over!) I was somewhere near 190.
Bottom Right: 2001 - our engagement photos, same weight, but I was feeling pretty that day.
Left: 2003 - I had lost about 20lbs before getting pregnant. Ironically my trouble with gluten started getting worse and I can see how puffy and bloated I was despite the 20lb loss.

Kickstarted with WeightWatchers and a basic treadmill, I somehow got myself down to 132lbs from that high of 193.
 A solid 60.2lb loss in about 18months.

I miss that girl.

But I look back and wonder how healthy was I? I was just a cardio junkie at the time.
Hubs voiced a small complaint once but never pushed.  His complaint?  That as a former competitive bodybuilder at 6'3 and over 220lbs, he got scared that he could accidentally hurt me and that I looked fragile.

Somewhere along the lines, I maintained in the 140's slightly healthier but falling in love  with running more and more, the muscle added on and I felt good.

My quick and dirty journey summary I've posted before, but January 2009 brought a serious car accident and I weighed at 152 that day.

2010 was the long awaited second pregnancy and I was ecstatic when at 30days post partum I was naturally back down to 155. 

That was March 2011 and here I am in September 2014 still struggling with those last 10-15lbs? 

Why am I not getting back into the 140's?
Why am I now at or above the 160 mark now?
Why is it not working anymore?
Why is my body not cooperating with me here?

last week - 9/6

I'm struggling.

But I'm still trying.

That's gotta count for something, right?

I am home today with a sick Kiddo, so instead of giving myself a TrueBlood marathon and excessive chocolate, I've forced myself to share what's been going on in my head for the blog....share some before pics for the first time....and now?

I'm going to hit my treadmill for a good run for my mental health more than anything.
I know I won't regret this choice, no matter how fast or slow I am today.
 

Thanks to anyone listening....sharing before pictures are hard for anyone no matter how long ago or recent it was.  I don't think I'm that person anymore, but I still am embarrassed.

5 comments:

  1. Hi friend. You look wonderful. And more than that, you ARE wonderful. The last little bit will come off in time. Remember, our metabolism is slowing down every year so we have to work harder and harder to lose. That can be very demoralizing! You're doing great. :)

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  2. We all struggle at one point, you're not alone mama!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Cara! I think this long lasting funk is probably due to all the medical crap and now PF issues. It's just been a rough year physically and it's wearing on me mentally

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  3. I'm right there with you!! It's a daily battle--just keep one foot in front of the other! And when you fall, just get the hell up:)

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  4. I feel like I could have written this too! It's hard. So so hard! But just keep plugging away. That's all we can do!

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