Oct 10, 2015

Confession: Jealousy


I'm irritable quite a bit lately with a friend, she's not changed or done anything different so I know this is all on me.  But I'm really chapped about it all, and then cranky at myself for being this way. Damn self-awareness. I know we aren't supposed to compare ourselves to others, but sometimes it happens and you don't realize it.  That has been me and this friend.

I'm jealous and judgy....there I said it, I admit it, I'm judging another woman.

My friend underwent a gastric sleeve last year, a decision that I helped her come to terms with.  I shared with her what I watched my dad and others go through, the good and the bad and so forth. I encouraged her to do this for herself and she's had amazing results.  It has been almost a full year and she's down almost 90lbs, only 15 or 20 from her goal weight.  Perfect right?  She underwent a significant surgery, recovery, and all the not-so-great things of a weight loss surgery. It is NOT a walk in the park and I am the first to tell people that (from observation, I personally have not had any surgery.)

So why am I judging and jealous?

I've watched her shrink in the last year thanks to this surgery.....however
I've watched her continue to use the elevator
I've watched her continue to eat out at lunch daily, eating fried foods, having a bite or two of a donut or taco for breakfast.
I've watched her avoid vegetables.
I've watched her laugh off my snarky remarks about fake food.
I've turned down her offerings of food because I can't have them.  Not even that one sample bite.

I've watched her not make any healthy changes.  I've watched her simply keep her behaviour the same but on a smaller scale (portion size.)  I've watched her reap the benefits of not doing much physically.

We were out of the office together this week and I was unable to pack and take my lunch, so eating out was my only option.  Despite her and my need to make a good choice, she was 'craving' Dairy Queen.  A greasy burger place. That's okay, I'll figure something out and track it. It is life, I gotta deal. 

And then I watch her get to eat fried chicken and french fries.

I sat, nibbled my bad grilled chicken and wilted lettuce and realized how jealous I was.

I realized that while I've watched this over the last year.... I've done so while working my literal ass off everyday.  While I skip going out and being sociable, I go work out.  I track every morsel that goes into my body.  I cook 98% of all meals at home. I drink a gallon of water. I walk over 10K steps every single day.

I do all the things that they tell you are the 'right way' and I am not 'shrinking away' or having any evidence of my hard work and lifestyle.

No, she did not do the easy thing.  She did undergo a surgery, anesthesia, recovery everything. It is not an easy way out.  I'm not jealous of what she did to get here.

I'm jealous of her ability to act and live like those normal thin people.  She simply gets to eat smaller meals (of crappy food) and not have to exercise and she gets to lose weight and buy cute clothes. And yes, she will soon be the same size as I am currently....I'm jealous that I've worked hard especially this past year and the scale is right in the same place.

I'm a crankypants judgmental woman.
flame away.

ETA: Thank you all for your comments and emails, I've replied privately as always but wanted to thank you all for commiserating with me on this issue.
 

4 comments:

  1. You are amazing! Admitting this is huge. I think we spend so much time trying to be positive and nonjudgemental that we beat the crap out of ourselves for getting judgey.
    Here's the deal (IMO) Your friend is not making healthy choices. She is losing weight but her body isn't getting the nutrients it needs. I've been there. I've been 110lbs subsisting on chocolate, french fries, and diet soda. My health was a wreck. I was sick all the time. I was skinny-fat. It sounds like she's on that road.
    But the deal is, that's not the problem here. The problem is that you're seeing it and it's eating you up. So I love that you're owning it. Now you've started solving the problem. When she eats crap you can tell yourself "I'd feel like crap if I ate that" and let it go.
    Maybe someday she'll figure out that it's better to focus on health than weight. It sounds like you're getting there before she does. And that's ok.

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  2. So I gotta ask, does she read your blog?! :)

    Very brave to admit all this. I too struggle mightily with jealousy.

    For what it's worth I'm constantly in awe of your commitment to healthy living! I think you're an excellent role model.

    Xoxo!

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  3. Dude, I'd be envious too. It sucks. I can't even consider that option because of my blood clotting disorder that I'm stuck having to do it the "old fashioned way". To see us having to struggle through each and every decision and every bite and all the exercise and then seeing the polar opposite with them. sigh

    If its any consolation with the way she is headed and not making proper changes, it is likely she will gain it all back.

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  4. I think we all struggle with jealousy, but I also think that doing it the way you are is the best way. I know people that have had the surgery and acted the same way and gained it all back. It's hard when we don't see the results we should when we are doing it the tight way, but we just have to keep on keeping on!

    ReplyDelete

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